I love my son. Waking up next to him is one of the most profound moments of my day, and it’s just starting. He’s a living miracle that makes me wonder what good I did to deserve a beautiful son like him. Gushing by myself and looking at him in peace, I take a deep breath and pause. Then I kiss his apple cheek (and sniff) and take in his delicious baby scent.

In a few years, he’ll grow up and it won’t be the same. Then, I become aware of this fact and it makes me want to cry. How can I possibly be the best mom for him? Is he eating well? I need to plan his meals to make sure he’s healthy, bathe him daily to see him splash with delight in the water (and visually measure how he’s starting to outgrow his bath tub 😰). My baby is growing up too fast and I don’t want to miss it. 🥺

So each morning, I stay up and jump up from bed. Earlier than anyone in hopes of catching a bit of time for myself to just breathe and think, and write down my thoughts, and plan my life, hopefully I’ll get around doing my calendar to plot ahead... and oh, the room looks like a mess, the plants need watering, I need to do my skin care, I’ll need to fix the bed, change the bedsheets, vacuum the floor, not to mention curtains that beg to be washed for months already... Dread and overwhelm starts creeping in... then I remember how I need to pray, read the Bible, my devotional, and finish my pile of books, and readings on the phone, email, social media and I just want to pass out. But I can’t because the baby has started to rouse from his sleep like a flower unfurling from it’s bud (and he’s just so cute and adorable 🥺) and finally, his eyes are open.

Good morning, mom. Mommy duty is officially ON and crawling back to bed and curling up suddenly seems like the greatest temptation in the world.

How do you thrive and find balance? I don’t have the answer to that yet. I just take it day by day. Slow by slow.

08.10.2020 | MOMMANXIETY

The feeling of waking up filled with dread and overwhelm of the things you need to do that you don’t really have enough time, energy and clarity for. Breathe, mama. Breathe.